


Letters I Didn't Send

by 10thofthe6th



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, friends to almost lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:15:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23214655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10thofthe6th/pseuds/10thofthe6th
Summary: After years on pining over the same person, Wonwoo finally had the courage to post his letters online with the hopes of Junhui reading them.
Relationships: Jeon Wonwoo/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Kudos: 8





	1. 170614

**Author's Note:**

> It's been ages since my last time writing something. I figured these have to be somewhere instead of just letting them rot in my hard drive. Also, I suck at making summaries despite its importance to my college degree. 
> 
> Comments are very much appreciated. :Leave a comment here or reach out to me, @06101107_ on Twitter.

Second day of the most stressing start of the school year so far. Ha. As if I’ve been in the teaching long for that long. Anyway, this may start to look like a routine – something done out of need, not by whim. But really, it isn’t. I just write to you because it feels right to do so. I just feel like I need to.

Earlier this morning, even as early as fifteen minutes past six, you already made your way through my thoughts.  
At first, I was fretting about how I would do my lesson for my first class today. I read the required short story for the students and made my brain busy thinking about various and numerous teaching Literature techniques that I know. I knew I had to select one or more techniques from the vast sea of techniques our professors drilled onto us. I was finding it very difficult to decide what to do in class.  
And poof!  
Before I even knew it, I was already thinking of you.

Right there and then, you start monopolizing my brain.  
All I could think of …  
How was your yesterday?  
Is he having a hard time adjusting to schedule? I hope he’s not. I’d want it more for me to suffer than to have you stressing over your time and space.  
Is he teaching the same subject as I do?  
Why am I even thinking about him? I need to think about what to do in class!

The musings I had today weren’t my bestest but I cannot let it slip away. The very thought of you composed me and helped me to get my shit together as to come up with activities I will later give to my students. 

At the end of this quick invasion of wistfulness, I caught myself smiling and shaking my head in disbelief, thinking, “How the heck do you do this?”


	2. 053117

Does he even think of me?

Do I ever cross his mind?

I ask myself that a lot.  
Because I do. I still think about and of you. You do pass my mind quite often.  
A lot more than you could count and a lot more than I could keep track. 

Isn’t this unfair to me? You get to be thought of almost every passing second of my dear life yet I’m here, somewhere in the metro, working my ass off as I wait for you to pay me a single thought. Okay. I may be exaggerating right now. You may not fill my head every time I get so worked up at the office. However, the thing is, when my hands stop moving and my body slumps over my table, you just pop back in. I know what you’re thinking. It’s almost as if you’re right in front of me, uttering the words, “I didn’t ask for it.” 

Yes, you didn’t ask for it. I clearly know that. 

But I just do. And I can’t stop myself. 

It’s not that I consciously do it like it’s some part of a routine.  
It’s also something done not out of habit.  
It comes naturally, similar to an instinct or reflex.  
This feeling doesn’t have some kind of a switch which I could turn on or off whenever I wish to. 

I just genuinely feel all sorts of emotion towards you.  
You compel me to do things for you even though you are capable of doing them by yourself.

No matter how much I do not want to think of you or even let my thoughts drift into the idea of you…  
It seems that the Universe wants me to.

The Universe has its own way of reminding me of you.  
It has its spontaneous, astounding way which sometimes renders me dumbfounded or speechless.  
I can still remember different instances the Universe reminded me of you.

You have invaded my mind, pervading my systems.  
You even reached my dreams. It seems like you’re not only contented with gaining possession of my heart.  
You needed to own me… and you already and still do.  
Even though I didn’t give the permission to.

The Universe also sends people my way to set me off,  
To make me lose my focus as I bury you – little by little – into the deepest, darkest cellar of this poor lovesick heart, with the hopes of freeing myself from the invisible shackles I have trapped myself with.  
Shackled, keeping myself, restraining myself from loving – not just liking because it’s much more than that – every bit and facet of you. 

I have accepted the very flawlessness of you.  
Your face.  
Your smile.  
Your voice.  
They keep me going.

On the other hand, I embraced your imperfections. 

Your anxiety.  
Your self-imposed inadequacy.  
Your cowardice. 

Embraced them even more, without much hesitation, because they somewhat remind me that you’re still human and you’re not that far beyond my reach.  
I embraced them because you are the sum of these pieces. And I wouldn’t know how beautiful you are if I chose to close my eyes as you exist in the way you wish to – bringing every part of you – right in front of me.


	3. 170602

What are we?

What were we?

To put it more confusing for everyone, including me, was there even a “we”?

Am I even asking the right question right now? Or am I just going to receive another ambiguous answer that instead of giving me comfort and peace, you lead me into a darker, colder place? Because nothing is clear. Well, at least for me. 

We used to be close.  
I held you close to me as if only you could be a friend to me.  
We act out of our nature. No other hidden or unknown reasons behind extra time together.

Extra understanding.  
Extra care.  
Extra caution.

Extra everything.

It has always gone like that, even coming to the point when everyone – including our professors, students from other faculties – thought we’re together.

Until we stopped spending time together.  
We ceased being observant of each other.  
Until we stopped giving a fuck about each other’s business.  
We ceased worrying about one another.

Until we came to an end. 

And the truth of the matter is, I didn’t.  
I didn’t stop wishing for you to be back.

Back to the old you.  
The version of you I admired and really like the most.  
Back for good.  
Back to be with us, with me. 

I never stopped understanding you. I always try to make sure I get to see you in different points of view. I try to read between the lines. Because that’s what I do best. I wouldn’t be a Literature major for nothing, right? Anything could be a text, our professors say. And you are my text. A text I should interpret and analyze because my life depends on it.  
I didn’t stop caring about you and your activities. I almost plan every way possible just to be near you, even if I couldn’t breathe and feel like losing myself when you’re around.  
I never stopped thinking about you. I hate it every time I see you frowning or frustrated or tired or crying.

Especially when you cry. 

It makes me feel like I need to hug you and dry your tears and to comfort you and tell you you’ll get over it or things will get better.  
Even after you sentenced our bond to death. 

Still, I want to be there.  
For you. I did and always will.  
Until you gain your courage to push me away.  
Turn me away from you.  
Give me a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t go on with and like this when I only needed one.

I need you to do that for me because I can’t bring myself to do such thing.


	4. 170613

These letters are coming quite often now than any other month. But I like it. I want to pretend as if you’re right in front of me, eager to listen on how my day went. I like it in the sense that it enables me to be as honest as I want to.

It seems to me that the Universe is taunting, challenging, testing me as to how far it would take me and how long it would get me before I think of you again.  
It’s funny yet pretty fascinating to know that, at the end of my busiest day in school ever, you still managed to pass my mind – stealing seconds to something which almost lasted like a minute or so.

How do you do it? Making me think of you, wondering about the things you’ve been up to as if it’s the most normal or easiest thing to do… when in reality, I’m trying to look calm in front of my students as I quiet every bit of my body.

Instead of making me feel every kind of sadness when I came to think of you today… I felt happy, calm even – sane. 

You know, it’s pretty normal for me to feel not myself when a wild imagine scenario with you in it, out of nowhere, pops into my mind. And at the end of the day, I usually end up shedding tears I shouldn’t be in the first place. With that said, it’s refreshing to have felt this way because I have already forgotten how much happiness the mere idea of you brings me. Aside from happiness, the sight of you (I still have our picture which was taken during our reunion) perks me up, energizing me as you also calm my anxious nerves. 

Everything suddenly goes paradoxical and oxymoron-ish if it involves you.

You comfort me. You equate to harmony. You are my sanity.  
Yet you do make me antsy. You make my life frenzied. You drive me nuts. 

As much as thinking of how things could’ve ended between and with us makes I crazy, you still keep me sensible. Your active passivity also lets me to do things none too normal. So I guess it’s a win-win for me. I get to keep an identity as I discover another part of myself which remained dormant as I was on my way in formally meeting you for the first time. 

I’m quite glad to have met you during our college days. It surely gave me another reason to love going to school even if it meant being with the most confusing and ambiguous person in my universe. 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

P.S. I haven’t really recalled clearly when was the first time I saw you. All I know is that, I’ve met you before because you like to sing a lot and that paved the way for us to meet and connect and disassociate with each other. 

P.P.S. I don’t regret anything.


	5. 170611

What do you like about him?

What is he like?

When did you feel that way towards him?

Lots of people have asked me and continue to do so.

I actually have no idea how or when or where or even what happened. It just sort of happened.   
You slowly crept up on me and went under my skin, making sure to take sovereignty of this infatuated heart. 

I just felt it. 

I felt it coming but wasn’t really sure it was it. I tried to rationalize, defend, understand, and analyze just to prove that it was just normal, ordinary for me to feel that towards you.

However, the only word to describe what I did is deny.

I tried to dismiss the fact that I was feeling something real different with the way I feel about and towards you.

Because it felt completely normal at first until it didn’t.  
Because it felt like a crime – a sin, even.  
Because I felt like betraying you.  
Betraying our friendship.  
Betraying you.

It was just so unjust of me to feel that way, when you just need company, a friend who’ll be there and just listen, and not much more of an admirer. 

I’m sorry for feeling this way towards you.  
I apologize for not being the friend you need and would want to keep for life.   
I didn’t mean to push you away.

I tried not to but it’s myself I can’t trust not to like you this much. I hope you could forgive me for what I’ve done and still doing. I can’t seem to sort my emotions and feelings and sentiments towards you. It’s like my mind and body, especially my heart, goes haywire whenever I catch a glimpse of you. I still try to look for in the places I know you’d be. I haven’t stopped searching for you in the crowd. I never ceased wishing I’d meet you somewhere unexpectedly. I, in no means ended hoping you’ll be the one to approach me when we’re in a same room.

I shamelessly still moon for these to happen. Because I’m greedy.   
I’d still want you for me although it’d also sooth me if you found somebody else.  
It’d make me contented if that some other boy would and could make you the happiest.

Because I’d put your happiness over mine.

If that time comes, I’ll make a way to have myself go by, which I’ll start with learning to un-crush, un-like, un-love every single thing about and of you.


End file.
